


I think you are the Bartender, Thorin! You just won't admit it

by ScotCoyjedii



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, F/M, Female Bilbo, Female Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Hilarity Ensues, Lots of Food, Puns and literal punch lines, insults and frying pans do mix I swear it!, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 12:26:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6423988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin insults Bilba she returns the favor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I think you are the Bartender, Thorin! You just won't admit it

**Author's Note:**

> I was laughing the entire time I wrote this.

* * *

                           Rosabel Greenshower was helping me set the table course. She was fully dressed in a most revealing dress she had gotten at a convention that was a cocktail dress that most hobbits said she pulled off and looked hot in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                I was expecting my Uncles Herliefr and Luilfr  anyway's so I cooked most of my meat and vegetable's. I pulled out the purple and  blue tomatoes and put them in the vegetable soup they loved (they claimed their love of fruits and vegetables is the reason their beards are so thick and luxurious they're probably right). I even cooked at least thirty or more different deserts which I hid in the fifth pantry that I don't use often putting them in the fridge I put back their, thank you dwarves for giving us great inventions. Uncle Luilfr hated chocolate which is a running gag for me as I found it necessary to tease him about it. Each one rescipe passed down through the generations considering Rosabel burned everything she cooked well she was out for the count  but she made cockery of the finest quality.

 

 

 

 

                        That was enough for me. I myself was wearing a see through loose fitting shirt that revealed my bra that was handwash only it was a blue one with a little cartoon rabbit in pink with a tie, playhobbit magazine personal style symbol. Totally worth buying it on sale for 9.89 multiple pairs and a matching pair of underwear to go with it. I was wearing boxer shorts over it a purple color with a blocky design that was so popular now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                  My door bell rang and I went to the door finding a dwarf at my door surprisingly at this hour.

 

 

 

 

 

 

               "Oi Rosabel why don't you make some coffee?" I asked her she said okay from the other room. Her brown hair wasn't as curly as other hobbits and her hair style reminded me of a star but she had the silent footed nature and pointed ears of a hobbit. Also like all hobbit she could tell if a mushroom was poisonous just by looking at it.

 

 

 

 

 

       That comes in handy considering the big folk and dwarrow's to identify some types of mushrooms they have to cut open its stem. That in itself is one way to be sure that some look alike species of mushrooms aren't poisonous. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "D....D...Dwalin at your service..." He stammered I giggled inviting him in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "Dwalin you must be very strong to have a hammer like that." I mentioned he puffed up a little as he put the weapon on the weapons rack after he hung up his cloak on a nearby hook. Heading to where I told him where the kitchen was. I put aside my plate for me to eat later so they didn't eat it by mistake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     "Ribs! Barbique ribs it must be my name day because it feels like I'm in heaven!" Dwalin said excitedly and drooled a little.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

         Another knock came.

 

 

 

 

 

     "That be the door lassie."

Lassie? Surely he jests? I'm not a fauntling anymore so lassie doesn't apply. 

 

 

 

 

 

    "Cheeky aren't you?" I mentioned chuckling as he grabbed himself a plate and began filling it with food.

 

 

 

 

 

         I went and got the door and found a kindly dwarf at the door entrance with a  white forked beard. Red looked good on him and I would say that he aged well. I wonder what color was his hair before his hair started to go grey then white with age? I'm not sure but the age between him and Dwalin might be larger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "He's gorgous." I might have said what I was thinking out loud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "Good evening milady, Balin at y...your service." Balin seemed to be blushing because of my very revealing night robe. Who doesn't like see through in summer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "Lovely night isn't it?" I asked making small talk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "Indeed though it might rain later." Balin added.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "Really?" I asked he nodded greeting his brother. I tuned out what they said because it was a family reunion of sorts. Balin hung up his cloak and put his weapon on the same rack before joining his brother and filling his plate and getting some stew I had also made for later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     The door again I had visitors this time a cute set of cheery brothers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "Kili," The brunette introduced himself first he was exceptionally handsome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     "And Fili." The blonde with the mustache braids  continued.

 

 

 

 

 

       "At your service." The two said in unison they must have practiced because they bowed elegantly at the same time. Bowing seems like a hassle after a while. Before they started flirting with me and I flirted back egging them on. The two were amusing and quite young I suspected their was a five or six year difference between the two, the blonde was likely the oldest though by far Kili was the smartest of the two.I went and got into less revealing clothing  some tan trousers and a red blouse. They followed their fellows and filled their plates up with food though Kili got some vegetable soup too. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                   The rest of the company came tumbling down including the irked Thorin Oakenshield my brother Rolgar mentioned him as being rough around the edges but a good dwarf at heart a bit greedy but if you give him blackberry custard pie you'll be okay.

 

 

 

 

        "Nori your foot is in my back." Thorin complained it looked like he was going to murder someone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     "Bombur your hurting my balls." Nori growled groaning pitifully.

 

 

 

 

 

      I snorted, calling for my terror bird sentry with a low cluck of my tongue and a hiss. The ten foot tall bird came up to the the group and hissed flashing its plume of red feathers on top of its head making a fan around its head. Scaring  all but a few dwarves deeper into her smial. Except Bifur, Bofur, Thorin, Nori, Ori and  Dori who just got up instead after Gandalf introduced them. Decidedly I liked Bifur, Ori and Bofur the most of those dwarrows.

           

 

 

           "Good girl Kent," I praised my terror bird going up to her and we bashed our foreheads together affectionately. She continued on her sentry duties walking down the street walking a "beat". Terror birds of her coloring were used as sentries for police at night the duller variants were used to be ridden or used as herding animals alongside dogs as they were far larger and more intimidating and helped herd quicker. While dogs worked alongside them in equal precision it was quite a sight to see almost as cool as watching a terror bird with a badge walk down the street (sans the police hat which would look very cool on their heads) doing a police beat. A normal sight in Hobbiton considering the police force wasn't what it used to be since the Fell Winter its virtually nonexistent if you asked anyone in the know like myself. I was one of those people who chose to notice and not live in the now instead thinking of the future and past(hobbit history requirements in school for fauntlings and tweens aside) and knew we wouldn't recover our police force unless we began employing all races. Such wasn't a easy task considering how out of the way the Shire can be for some quite out of the way.

 

 

 

Such was irrelevant to me I know considering that's their problem a hiring problem that was severe and some if it strikes them (if they have the audacity to do so) can take advantage of this. A danger some have yet to fully realize a danger that is very real. Again not my problem but it's a good idea to be aware about it, I shook myself mentally clearing my mind to think about my guest's need's fully.

 

 

 

            "So this is the hobbit?" Thorin addressed me sizing me up like a prize lamp chop or something looking me up and down his eyes lingered on my chest until he looked at me his eyes were stormy and filled  with a series of mixed emotions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "Yes what do you think I am a very short elf? Or a human child who just _happens_ to have pointed ears likely from a terrible accident?" I snipped jokingly. He seemed surprised that I would mention that even jokingly, or at all knowing that dwarves don't exactly _like elves_ at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "No why would I compare you to a elf? You look nothing like an elf. Your ears aren't pointed enough and you have more hair than the treeshaggers have. Though you are petite and look as though instead of a beard it looks like your beard fell on your feet and grew their instead." He said trying to rectify the situation he sounded extremely stupid and he slipped on the treeshaggers (I glared at him darkly enough that he probably believed I was going to murder him) for that comment I thought he was a bloody piece of work. He didn't have to but I doubted he realized that or gave a damn that I was joking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "Have you done much fighting?" He changed the subject deft that one and about as tactful as a lead box filled with acid water. Great another bloody genius who's tact and intelligence was that of a squirrel in summer. I ranked him as being just below a chipmunk though he was above a duck and right next to Frerin in looks (he's married happily married I might add) alongside a prim and proper dashing hedgehog. I love hedgehogs they're as cute as cats I have a wild one in my backyard camping out like _a boss._ Cute.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "Axe or sword what is your weapon of choice?" He asked suddenly when did this become an interrogation? I personally preferred anything with a sharp point but I didn't tell him that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Its none of your blasted concern whether I have a weapon perferance right now continue pressing and I will garrot you in front of everyone because you interrogated me. I am not a prisoner so don't you dare interrogate me like one or something!" I snapped again, I have but that doesn't need to be known to him its better if I keep that a secret. I have a tendency to use either something sharp or blunt and kill everything that moves (or has a heartbeat)when I get into a frenzy it usually leaves me mentally fried afterwards. Thank my elder brother Belbo for that frenzy shit after all he's the reason I have the habit, which hasn't happened in a while but sometimes old habits will briefly make an appearance on rare occasion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "She looks more like a barmaid than a burglar." He let his mouth runaway with him again. I figure that must happen often with him or it must be a force of habit for him. I also figure he must be either gay or bisexual. Maybe asexual. Though he is no virgin I can tell you that much, I wonder how good is he in bed? No  get those dirty thoughts out of your mind he wouldn't dare sleep with you and you know it their is always someone else and he has someone else waiting for him who's a dwarf. Dwarrows rarely marry my kind and I doubt he would be interested at all with me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "I'm surprised you even know what that looks like being either a bouncer or a bartender part time likely. I dare say you haven't gotten their without fucking someone first or used your natural 'presence' to get a job like that." I snapped at him as he started to walk into the dining room. He froze and turned to look at me with those lovely solemn blue eyes shocked by what I said he likely had never been back talked like that before. Blasted royals though he's more like a lord without his kingdom. My brother said if he can control the goldsickness he'll be fine but if he doesn't find love before that time and fully accept it before reaching Erebor he'll manage to conquer it with no ill effects; however, if he fails then goldsickness will follow and he will toss me over the battlements. Thank you Rolgar for your foresight and being a legendary seer and my big brother and former idol.

 

 

 

 

 

                      My brother was a powerful seer too bad his elder twin Belbo garroted him after finding out he ratted him out and helped the police find his imprisoned pregnant wife Heliotrope Baggins (nee Greenshadow) and his first born twins Bilba Baggins II and  Loki Baggins. A not very hobbit sounding name for a hobbit who happened to be the best big brother I had I only had one loving elder brother, Belbo always did hate me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

             "Me asnân tada Mahal duhû kansu tah." I snapped at him pushing past the complete  arse and going to retrieve my dinner. Eating it in my study as  the dining room was packed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "By the way if you start any food fights I will make all of you clean up the mess!"  I shouted out the open door they hopefully listen.

 

 

* * *

                    Thorin himself was still in shock by what she said about him he couldn't help it! He was just as surprised by the amount of food was left their was enough for seconds maybe even thirds and fourths if Bombur didn't eat them. Bofur told him to restrain himself and save some room for dessert.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                           "She's got fire, the little spitfire." Dwalin laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

         "She said I was gorgeous." Balin grinned lecherously for the first time since his wife died, his son would be happy that he was moving on. The rest of our company seemed surprised she must've had some previous sexual encounters with our kind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "She mentioned sleeping the one time with some guy named Dáin once  before he met his wife. She said it was great till his mother started throwing axes at her." Rosabel mentioned she resembled Nori a lot considering their hairstyles were identical too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                  "I didn't think she had it in her." Nori joked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "Said that she never shagged a hobbit after that," Rosabel mentioned shamelessly with the same sly crooked grin that matched Nori's slightly worrying the lawman Dwalin the thief's daughter.

 

 

 

 

               

 

        "You lot finished talking about my sex life?" Bilba teased.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "You are very hot Balin." She mentioned letting her hands all on his shoulders gently making him blush a deep red. She went and asked for Nori, Dori, Bifur and Bofurs help in bringing  out the desserts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "Are those blackberry tarts?" Thorin breathed as she put the desserts down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "I have blackberry custard pie here  too." She said making most of the company salivate and drool at the thought of dessert after that hearty feast it's like none of them have truly eat (Bombur aside it does look like he eats like a hobbit a lot) at least good food. After all their wasn't any left overs after they were finished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "He's going to eat all of it and not share with anyone else!" Fili groaned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     "I made more than one." She mentioned. 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Many of us haven't tasted custard in a age." Balin mentioned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "I'm going to guess your leader here was spoiled rotten as a child."She asked bluntly as possible. 

 

 

 

 

   

 

          "Yeah I guess you could say that." Thorin said cautiously,  _how did she figure it out so easily?_ Thorin wondered.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

         "You will share with everyone else." She told him in a way that he couldn't disobey, dragon magics no doubt. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "Are you done using your dragon magics on Thorin?" Gandalf asked sharply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Yes," She breathed backing away from the dwarf who looked at her with a look akin to being dreamy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     "Why would we bring a female halfling along? The wilds are no place for a lady outside our own." Glóin growled after dessert.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "She does remind me of a house wife." Fíli mentioned quietly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     "I would watch it Fíli she might garrott you in your sleep." Rosabel warned she knew how bad her friend's temper could be she was a feminist and Rosabel secretly suspected deep down that the King-In-Exile was gay no doubt a feeling shared by her friend as well by the look she gave him. She probably ranked him next to a hedgehog. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "I am not a house wife nor do I think I ever will be." Bilba growled just as they started throwing her cockery around as they washed the dishes. Afterwards Thorin and Fíli got her favorite mithril lined skillet to the head. Giving them both a taste of what for.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the hobbit.
> 
> Me asnân tada Mahal duhû kansu tah.- You are proof Mahal has a sense of humor.
> 
> Edit: fixed some grammer and spelling issues. I meant to fix more spelling and I might have led to Bilba trailing off into why they use terror birds as sentry's. Opps? Sorry.


End file.
